1. Leave the house looking like a disaster victim
You secretly watched other mothers with unkept hair and tired eyes and thought, “A little makeup would help. A shower, maybe?”
That was before you were a mother. Now you show up at a Starbucks date with your best friend and grab a Venti latte. You haven’t showered for a week. Your mascara tube has run dry and you can’t remember the last time you perused the aisles of Walgreens. Your hair is in a perpetual twist on top of your head. “Artsy Messy bun” or “beachy waves” doesn’t even describe your “look.” You look more like the victim of mass disaster or earthquake. On a daily basis.
2. Serve macaroni and cheese with a smile… for a week straight
The kids are screaming. You’ve searched through the refrigerator for a vegetable that they will actually consume, but there are six boxes of Mac and Cheese calling to you from the pantry.
That recipe for shrimp linguini and asparagus will have to wait. You douse their plates in frozen peas and send up a prayer that the peas will miraculously enter their digestive tracts.
3. Join your toddler in throwing tantrums
Toddlers throw tantrums. Adults are poised and confident, with wisdom beyond the toddler years. Right?
Not in your house. On a regular basis, you find yourself whining words like, “Why???!!” and “Noooo!” with a moan that rivals your toddlers scream when she is told she has to take a nap. Sometimes you collapse on the floor when your husband comes home or stamp your foot to reiterate the lack of control you feel. Maybe you need a time-out. Come to think of it…
4. Wear heels the second you get a chance
You hated heels when you entered the workforce. They felt so restrictive. Men are able to wear comfortable shoes.
Now you take every opportunity to don a pair of heels. It makes you feel like you have everything under control. You are a bonafide adult! You don sky-high stilettos on a date night with your husband. Heck, heels are the best invention ever.
5. Hide from your friends
You were all supposed to do this “motherhood” thing together. But then you had your second child, and you could no longer hang out with people who only had one.
When your friends call, you let the phone ring. Meanwhile, your toddler is writing on the wall in permanent marker while your other child is jumping over the couch like a champion Olympic Hurdler. There is no longer room for extended calls about nursing pumps and the book you just read.
6. Fall in love with your own mother
You and your mother fought a lot in high school, but suddenly you see her in a new light. She is an angel of wisdom and thoughtfulness. You crave stories about everything from her breast mastitis to the time you threw pancakes on the walls. Your mother is the most beautiful, wonderful woman you know—and you hope that years from now you might be worthy of a fraction of the same adoration.
But until then, the fifth basket of laundry is waiting.
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