[This article is written tongue-in-cheek, and is meant only in fun!]

You were minding your own business, enjoying your small faithless parish for decades, when all of a sudden the rug was ripped right under you!

You’re not alone. We know exactly what you’re going through.

It all started with that new young priest showed up wearing a cassock and actually started talking about the doctrine of the Church. Doesn’t he know we moved passed all that at Vatican II?

Here are the 5 most annoying things you’ve had to endure at your “revitalized” parish:

1) You have to wait in long lines for Confession


You never went to Confession very often anyway. But whenever you wanted a good, encouraging chat with your priest, you knew he was always available during his 30 minutes of Confession scheduled each week. There was no line, of course, and you could just walk right in.

Now you have to wait! Who are these other people? And why do they look so somber? They must be really repressed.

2) There’s no place to park right before Mass starts


A great thing about having a small-and-getting-smaller parish was you didn’t have to arrive early for Mass. You could roll in to the parking lot just as the Second Reading was starting and easily get a spot right by the door.

Now, if you don’t get there at least 10 minutes before Mass even starts, you have to park on the street!

3) Children disrupt your social time after Mass


You never really connected with the spirituality of the Mass. Your real communion came afterwards, getting to chat with your friends in the parish hall.

Now, each week you’re fending off little kids from your table!

4) Your priest exhorts you to stop sinning (!)


This is particularly bewildering. For one, all this talk of sin definitely makes you feel bad. Doesn’t the priest know how tolerant God is? Second, didn’t we get rid of all that at Vatican II?

5) Your felt banners don’t get displayed anymore


You worked so hard on those banners. They really were an expression of your very self. Without the banners, it doesn’t even feel like a real place for community anymore.

What would you add to the list?

[See also: 5-Year-Old Proves Beyond a Doubt ALL Catholic Women Are Princesses In Precious Story!]

[See also: “What Play Is It From Again?”: Acting Student Wows Directors With… Mary’s Magnificat!]

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