21 Wonderfully Awful Secular Christmas Jokes

via grumpycats.com

When there’s a lull in the conversation this Christmas…

[See also: 27 Delightfully Terrible Christian Puns to Annoy the Heck Out of Your Friends With]

1) Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

2) What does Santa say when he walks backward?

Oh, oh, oh…?

3) What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

4) Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws.

5) What is a snowman’s favorite Mexican food?

Brrrrrrrr-itos!

6) What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Krisp Kringle.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

7) Who is Santa Claus married to?

Mary Christmas.

8) Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas?

Comet stayed home to clean the sink.

9) What does Frosty think of his job?

There’s no business like snow-business.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

10) What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days.

11) What’s red, white, and blue at Christmas time?

A sad candy cane.

12) Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soot’s him.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

13) What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

14) What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

15) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

16) What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night.

17) Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

18) What did the snowman eat?

Icebergs with chili sauce.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

19) What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

20) Are you Christmas?

Because I wanna merry you! (Response: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck the Halls)

21) What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?

Your teeth.

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

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