“Don’t you know what causes that?”

The person in the store looks at you and your five children with a self-satisfied chuckle.

Oh, you’re so clever.

But what should you do in response? Well, you can just smile, nod, and move on…

Or you can surprise them with an oh-so-clever zinger!

But you aren’t particularly good at being clever on your feet, you say? Don’t worry, we understand. Which is why we’ve culled the large-family-subculture-interwebs and chosen the absolute best, most perfect, sweetest comebacks.

Just keep this list handy on your smartphone next time you go out with your kids. They won’t know what hit ’em!

a) “Don’t you know what causes that?”

– “Oh yes, we finally figured it out and we now keep the tooth brushes in separate glasses.”

– “Of course… don’t you?”

– “Well, we thought we did. But if that were the case, we’d have thousands of them by now.”

– “No, I don’t. Do you? Could you explain it to me?”

– “Yes. But if you don’t, I suggest you go ask your Mom.”

– “Oh yes, and we really enjoy it.”

– “Yes, and we’re proud of the fact that we’re so good at it.”

b) “Are you going to get fixed?”

– “Why do you want to know??”

– “Why? As you can see, we work really well.”

– “I didn’t know I was broken.”

– “No, but you might want to look into getting your head fixed.”

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

c) “You know, there are ways to prevent that…”

– “I’m glad you are aware of them.”

– “Wait a second. Is this a sales pitch? I’m not interested.”

– “Which one do you suggest I should have prevented?”

– “There are also ways to mind your own business.”

d) “Are they all yours?”

– “Why? Is there one you would like?”

– “Yes, and they’ll be paying your social security and disability one day!”

– “No, and I have no idea why all these children are following me…”

– “These? I thought they were yours!”

– “Of course they’re all mine. Do you think I take five young children shopping just for fun?”

– “Well, how many do you count?”

– “Yep, and there’s a lot more at home…”

– “Gosh darn it. You’re right. Five more are running around somewhere in the store. Want to help me round them up?”

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

e) “Why do you have so many kids?”

– “Because my spouse and I really love each other!”

– “Because we have lots of sex!”

– “We couldn’t afford a TV.”

– “Have you seen my spouse?”

– “The tax credits are great money.”

f) “Are you done having kids?”

– “My husband and I are very intelligent people and believe we should pass on our great genes as much as we can. Why did you stop having children?”

– “Lots of kids isn’t for everyone. I mean, there are just some genes that shouldn’t reproduce.”

– “We plan to keep having them until we get our own reality show.”

– “We’ll stop when we get an ugly one.”

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via tumblr

g) “How can you afford having so many kids?”

– “I accept cash and checks. Would you like our mailing address?”

– “Welfare. Thanks for paying taxes!”

– “Can I have your address? I’ll mail you a copy of our budget.”

– “We can’t. Everything we own is on credit cards, my husband just lost his job, and we’re about to file bankruptcy. Thanks for asking…”

– “All our kids work the night shift here.”

h) “How do you get anything done?”

– “Actually, the children do all the work and I just sit around watching soap operas and eating chocolate.”

– “Now that you mention it, I could use some help around the house. Thanks for being so willing to help!”

i) “Do you have any time for yourselves?”

– “Obviously we have time for ourselves or we wouldn’t have all these kids.”

via giphy.com
via giphy.com

BONUS: “You sure have your hands full!” (usually said with good intentions)

Silently look at your hands with a confused look.

What did we miss? Share your favorite comeback in the comments!

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